The Broken Circle Breakdown

Can love conquer all?

I watched this movie last night because the synopsis said something about a love story.  I didn’t know that it was intense and deep.  At the end of the movie, there was sadness.  I could not shake off the feeling.  I went to church this morning but I still carried this.  So why was I affected so much by this movie?

People are imperfect creature.  Elise and Didier are both imperfect yet love found them and shared it and experienced it.  They fully embraced it.  It takes unselfishness to fully love someone.  We have to open ourselves to someone hoping not to be hurt and rejected.  When I say this, I think about my heart and how I am willing to love someone fully.  I know someone loves me and I love him but God said it’s wrong to be with him.  The relationship is not pleasing to him.  Fighting for him will always end up with us being separated.  Unless God blesses it, it cannot be.  There is someone He is showing me and I am willing to embrace that, too.  But God is not yet speaking to me.  Somehow I am still in the season of waiting.  But this someone He puts in my heart, loving him hurts so much I don’t want it.  It is selfish.  But I don’t know how to love him.  God how do You want me to love the people in my life?  Please teach me and give me the courage to do so.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen.

Marriage is life.  Life is a mixture of good and bad.  So is marriage.  Here I am wanting to get married when I would be yoked with someone else–yoked for life.  Why do I want it again?  I look at them and I can see what I might have to go through.  It’s not going to be easy I know.  But I hope whoever God yokes me with, it’s going to be worth it.  Marriage is sticking together in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.  Marriage is accepting your “co-yokee” for who they are.

Love should conquer all.  This broke my heart.  Because Elise could not conquer it she had given up.  Would I have done the same thing if faced with a similar situation?  But all through out the movie, I was thinking how they should have dealt with the situation.  If only God is at the center of their marriage.  The circle would never be broken.  The good thing is even though it ended badly for them, Didier stayed strong by playing music finally believing that there must have been an after life.

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Nasi

There’s Noodle Bento on West and they serve very nice Malaysian food. They don’t have Hainanese Chicken though. Oh well, I went there yesterday and bought this.

I think this is called Seafood Nasi. They give a big serving. I ate this for yesterday’s lunch and today’s breakfast. 🙂

It should be my goal to try to eat everything on their menu during my whole stay here in this side of NSW.

God has been good to me. Bits and pieces of niceness from people I don’t expect to be kind to me make me think of God’s work in my life. Thank You God.

Convictions and rebuke are God’s discipline. Because He loves me. Like a father disciplining his daughter simply because he loves her.

I am no wiser than I think I am. I just have to obey God. Godly counsel from other people helps. Thank You Lord.

Scrap

Scrap. But even if it is a scrap, it’s still a treasure for me. Limited for now. But I try to enjoy it as much as I can.

I would often walk here during my day off…yes under the heat of the sun…see my shadow? 🙂

Notice the mountain that serves as a border. What’s on the other side?

Town proper at 5pm. Almost all stores are already closed.

Rugby Park near our area. Rugby? Is that where the solvent boys have their sessions? Hehe…

On my way back to the apartment.

The owner of this lawn/grass walks barefoot here. Seems logical because I feel guilty stepping on this very green very pretty grass. 🙂

My favorite west. According to some, it is dangerous here. So I have to leave before it gets dark.

I also like the Mckers (not sure about the spelling but that is how people call Mcdo here) at west. Date with God.

Some revelations from God that brought tears to my eyes:

God has put me here to set me apart. For whatever His purpose is. He is not finished with me yet.

Only Way

I went here with high hopes.  Isn’t this God’s blessing for me?  Doesn’t He say that He’s going to bless me here?  I went here by faith–anticipating the great things that God is about to do with my life.  I was looking forward to ministry, doing good and great things.

Disappointments after disappointments.   I was lucky enough to set foot on this place.  This place is beautiful.  This place has fresh air.  Lots of free birds, beautiful flowers.  It’s painful to think that I wasn’t contributing enough.  I feel like I’m betraying their trust.  I don’t know how to help myself.  I’ve done what I could.  I’ve loved them enough it hurts.  Maybe I’ve got it wrong.  I had a different expectation.  Yes, I’ve done my best except for this one thing–COMMITMENT.  When I couldn’t get what I want, I held back.

But what works for me before doesn’t work now.  I’ve been disappointed a lot of times.  I am on the verge of giving up and I have given up.  I don’t know how to help myself anymore.  Only God can help me now.

I surrendered this to God.  I don’t expect much anymore.  And that point of giving up–of acknowledging my weakness, that God rises up to help me.  He has always helped me in every way.  But somehow I was always trying to rely on my own ability.

This has been another humbling experience for me.

Now that I am not expecting much, every good thing that happens becomes magnified.  This is God’s glory at work in my life.

I am looking to a fresh new start.  This time I will be committed.  This time I won’t back down.  This time I will embrace the culture.  This time I will love the people around it.  This time I will not expect much from them.  This time I know that God is the Only One who can help me with my skills and knowledge.  With God in it, it’s never too late to start again.

God the Father, put me where You want me to be.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Belong

My critic would always tell me that I always forced myself in a place I don’t belong to.

“You don’t belong in that church”

“You don’t belong in that clique”

I don’t belong in their church or clique either.

In Christ, I belong. 🙂

All in God’s Hand

My heart is being transformed.  It’s painful and I’m exhausted.  

I can’t blame people for how they see me.  I am big and I look older.  I blame it on my genes and my eating habits.  I can’t do anything with my genes but I can do something with my eating habits.  I can’t force anyone to love me.  It’s all in God’s hand now.

Pumped Up

I was so pumped up for summer that I told God, “Activities God, more activities!”  But for the last few days, I had nothing to do.  I was feeling so down already.  I asked God again, and then it occurred to me that maybe God wants me to focus on Him right now.  Vertical relationship.

Maybe this sadness caught up with me already–6 months later.

God is doing something with my heart–transforming it according to His plan.

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&

I decided to attend Victory Malate’s service this afternoon because I slept longer than planned.  I made the right decision.  I felt so free worshiping God sincerely knowing that no one would distract me. 🙂  On my way there, I thought about this yearning and I said to myself, “Don’t worry, you are safe here.”

There’s also a bonus because the guy who sang had a very good voice.  He sounded like Chris Tomlin himself.  The lyrics to the song also struck my heart causing me to cry 🙂  It was a good cry.  I felt liberated from this pain of worship.

I said to myself, “I like it here.”  Finally.  Thank You God. 🙂