Sunday Walk

I have been having dreams that I am back home.  Everytime I would wake up, I would cry.  I wanted to go home.  When will I be free?

Last night, my housemates drank and I didn’t.  I wanted to commune with God without the influence of alcohol.  I wanted to wake up early to walk to the south because it takes 1 hour to go there on foot.

But I was nearly there when I decided against it.  First I was already late, 2nd, it was all uphill, 3rd, I was afraid of dogs, 4th, I was already tired and a bit dizzy from the sun.

So I gave up.  I went to this church instead.  I thought it was a Catholic church, better than nothing, right?  But when I went inside, it was an Anglican church.

I went out and saw Big W, I went there instead.  I bought some supplies then went to McDo to have lunch.  Then I went back to the apartment.

I was still asking God these questions in my head.  I was wrestling with Him.  I was beginning to be mad at everyone.  God seems distant.  I wanted to be with Him but He never seemed to let His presence felt.  I decided to listen to some music while walking back here.  Then I heard this song.  Then I realized something.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

God is the God who gives and takes away.  I am no one and He is God.  I will always be under His mercy.  Who am I to demand and be proud?  Who am I to insist on what I want and question what He wants?

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

When God seems distant, it does not mean that He is really far away.  He is just there, for some reason trying to see if we will seek Him.  He may be hiding His face from us but He knows what is going on in our lives.  God is God.  We must not rely on our feelings but on what we know about God.

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

I realized the importance of God’s presence in my life.  Lord, don’t hide Your face away from me.

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

It’s hard to hear His Word when we are going through something.  But it’s the truth, that God is with us.  And no matter what our situation is, no matter where we are, me must always praise God.

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Would I rather follow something else than follow God?  I’ve been there, no matter who I follow, I always end up empty.  But not with God.  Ever since I decided to follow Jesus, He has transformed my life, gradually.  Maybe, this is just another phase–I am going through transformation.  God is not finished with me yet.

I don’t know why I am in a place where the church is far, where most people don’t go to church, where I feel so inadequate, where I can’t even reach out because I feel so condemned.  But God has a reason.

My friend told me before that God is looking forward to having time alone with me.  This is really a time when I am all alone, that only God can help me.  But sometimes, I feel so isolated.  I can’t feel God’s presence.  If He wants time alone with me, then why can’t I feel Him?  But then again, the heart is deceiving.  I may feel all alone, but the truth is, God is with me.  I should know that because He’s been sustaining me all these days.

Life here has been hard.  Lots of disappointments.  But God has been blessing me here and there.  Protecting me from harm.  Keeping me safe all the time.  Life is supposed to be blissful by now, but God has other plans for me.  God is not finished with me yet.